Just some lyrics I'm working on....

TITLE- All of Me
Sometimes I wonder
If you knew who I was
Would you stay
Anyway

If you saw all my weakness
And all of my scars
Would you stay
Anyway

Or would you go
Away
Would it be
Too much to stay
When you see
The mess I've made

Would you leave
If you see
All of me

I love this painting... has a lot to say... here's a new verse i'm working on...


I’m starting again
Don’t think I’ll stop this time
Running with the wind
I’m running out of rhymes
Of rhymes of rhymes

Hymns don’t sound as sweet
As him his voice he’s mine
I’ll keep his fractured song
Out of the rhythmic mind
My mind my my…

Here's the conflic song completed.

This Time
Pushing we pull until we snap
Breaking each other with severity
Each punch leaves the best of us to fall
Fall hard onto the floor
Onto the floor

The worst of us is left to fight this fight
And I am just too tired to light this match
There's nothing left to burn but each other
So should we, could we be better this time

chorus
If you pray for me
And I pray for you
Abide in love
Will we bear it through
This time
Oh This time
If we seek the truth
Look pass the lies
Will we see forgiveness
In each other's eyes
This time
Oh This time

The words on the page say "bear in love"
It's easier read than what we do
If I drop this pride and submit, my friend
Would we Could we be better this time

Chorus
Guitar Bridge
Chorus

Oh This Time
Oh This Time

Pushing we pull until we break

I haven't finished the conflict song but God is blessing me with more lyrics. I read Jeremiah 17 and it was convicting of who we really are. So in the shower this morning, I wrote the beginning of this song.

Mirror mirror can you see my heart
Mirror mirror I’m playing a part
Mirror mirror can you see my heart
Mirror mirror I’m falling apart

I’m black and blue from the inside out
Battered and bruised I’m bleeding out loud
My heart is dark, deceitful at best
I cannot sleep, my mind won’t rest

Thoughts of broken hands and shattered dreams
My life is unraveling at the seems
Rip out this hem for a few more scars
Its just about time for me to fall

Eric and I wrote actual melody today. So I updated the lyrics... now I just need a second verse and ending. Here it is:

Pushing we pull until we snap
Breaking each other with severity
Each punch leaves the best of us to fall
Fall hard onto the floor

The worst of us is left to fight this fight
And I am just too tired to light this match
There's nothing left to burn but each other
So should we, could we be better this time

chorus
If you pray for me
And I pray for you
Abide in love
Will we bear it through
This time
Oh This time
If we seek the truth
Look pass the lies
Will we see forgiveness
In each other's eyes
This time
Oh This time

I started writing this song about conflict. Lately, my relationships with people who I loved the most have been falling apart. This is song is more for Miss Turner than anyone else. I'm hoping that it will be therapeutic and will help us build a stronger friendship in the long run. Oh, by the way, I have a music myspace. Check out www.myspace.com/vegaskate for my music. Its nothing new but hopefully it will turn into that. Here's the beginning of this new song that is titled "This Time".

We push and pull until we snap
Breaking each other with severity
Each punch leaves the best of us to fall
Fall hard onto to the floor
The worst of us is left to fight this fight
But I'm tired of this match
And we have nothing left to burn
So let's see if we can stop the hurt
And rebuild each other up
This Time

chorus
If you pray for me
and I pray for you
Abide in love
Will we bear it through
This hard time
This low ride
Will we see forgiveness
In each other's eyes
This Time
This Time

that's all so far....

kate

I think the biggest problem with Christianity isn't God but people. People suck. I am starting to wonder if anyone really believes in God at all. If they did, wouldn't there lives reflect it? Wouldn't they actually care about others no matter the circumstance? I understand that people aren't perfect but there just seems that nobody actually cares. I want to believe that God is real. I do. But I want to see actual evidence in people's lives that God is good. I want to see Christians care more about peoples needs whether or not they believe in God. I have been a Christian for 10 years and I have felt at one point that I was called into ministry and to love people, but I am starting to doubt that its real when evidence of a changed heart is so vague, so fogged up. Even now, when I tell people I doubt God, they are more concerned with me losing faith than actually caring for me. I have been suicidial for awhile and I can't even get a pastor to contact me or my close friends to show any kind of compassion. They are just worried that I am going to hell not whether or not I am living in hell now. Maybe I'm just depressed. Maybe I am jus being apathetic, cynical and selfish but I can't help but think that there's got to be more than this if God is real.

so its over
his heart is harden
and i'm broken on the floor
tiny pieces left with a memory
of how i was loved
and lost it
too stubborn to feel whole
with one who was my heart
he said i don't love you anymore
and lied the months before
so where his arms used to comfort
i only find tears
and emptiness

This song I'm feeling right now. The parts highlighted represent my relationship....

"Volcano" By Damien Rice

Volcano by Damien Rice

Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth, and back
And that's all I need
Don't build your world around
Volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth, your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around
Volcanoes melt me down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask

What I give to you is just what I'm going through
This is nothing new, no,
no just another phase of finding
what I really need is what makes me bleed
And like a new disease,
Lord, she's still too young to treat
Volcanoes melt you down
She's still too young
I kissed your mouth
You do not need me

I wrote this on www.myspace.com/kategotsoul.
Its worth sharing on this one too.

i've crashed and burned
too blinded by flame
too haunted by shame
chained

i have lost the only things that i loved
the loss of deity and humanity
the only things that taught me to love
are burned out of me
festered sores
blistered into faint scars
of time gone and withered

will i ever be the same / from these flames

"Probably Wouldn't Be This Way" By LeAnn Rimes


Check this video out. This song has been speaking a lot to my loneliness. Even though I haven't lost anyone to death recently, I feel this way about loved ones back home. "I'm so lucky to have the chance to love this much."

Pink

i've got a stain on my forehead
and it looks a little pink
i think its from my lack of trust
or just my lack of sleep
or maybe its from all the socializing
i do with all these girls
all the talk all the time
that makes my head swirl

feminine mysticism
filling up my hours
allowing me to recognize
that women do have power

but maybe the pink
isn't from the women
who now have become my friends
maybe the stain is from the wall
that i keep banging my head

see i want to be alone
yet i don't want to be lonely
so i sabatoge my days
with trying to be phoney

and it works
and i'm hurt
when i could be celebrating
that pink, yes pink,
looks pretty good on me

i'm pretty sure this poem makes sense to only me.

It has been far too long since I wrote in this thing. I have moved to Fresno to work with the urban community since the middle of August. Its been a challenge since I am alone a lot. I have been lonely. But things are starting to pick up and I am having to trust that God lead me here for a reason. I have been reading proverbs lately. Its not one of those books in the bible where you can rush right through. I was stuck forever on "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge". It is such a complex thought.

I'll you dwell in that thought.

my days are still
and long
where silence only breaks
when sirens fill the sky

and I wonder
why I am here
where the farms are dry desert
and the city is abandoned to die

drought of life on many levels

here I sit
on balcony bright
and wisdom light
waiting for my life to begin

catalina is coming soon... i just wanted to send out this picture by bria to remind everyone of God's glory 

I am starting to realize that we never really get over people... we just forget the pain until it pops up in moments of verse or art or screen. People make up the fabric of who we are and how we got there. This song from Maria Mena made me remember how I felt when I started this blog and the hurt I was dealing with. Here's to past love...

"Sorry"
Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted
by the way his toes move when he play
sso I let it burn
I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby,
yes I feel stupid to call you,
but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I whisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby,
so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry[x2]

i can't stand this place sometimes. this place where it's not ok to show emotions. a place where you are criticized for not taking losing well. a place where if you are a woman you have to pretend that nothing bothers you. you just have to take it otherwise you are the bitch. otherwise you are too emotional. otherwise you are just another "woman". you don't measure up. you are not valuable. you are not treated equally. what guys just don't get is that you can't lose otherwise you are weak. if a man loses at something he should be good at, what do other men call him? "pussy, wimp, a girl". so when a woman loses at something she is not supposed to be good at, she gets the look. the look or the feeling like "well you're a girl of course you suck."

and furthermore, when guys get pissed off at freakin videos, no one tells him to calm down. he is just letting of steam. a girl gets pissed off EVER and she is overreacting. well i am sick of the bull shit. no i won't calm down. no i won't shut up. you wonder why i am upset... i have been told too many times that its just a game... its not. its not a game when my self worth is somehow determine how well i play or how i handle defeat.

if you think i am overreacting, i challenge you to take a look at any reality tv show where men and women compete with one another. pay attention to how women are portrayed when they say too much, have an opinion too much, show emotion to much.

this is not to say men are not stereotyped. they also have these absurd measurements to live up to. but you never hear a put down that someone is such "a man". it is good to be a man.

i am sorry if anyone is offended by this. i just needed to get this off my chest.

new poems... my philosophy class allows me to be quite creative

Recognizable Heart

You are beautiful beyond recognition
it matters not
if your hair is tied
in blue ribbons and barrettes
it matters not
if your clothes are crisp
or clean or new

It just doesn't matter to me
if you morph into someone
that my eyes have never seen

for your beauty lies
between your mind and soul
in the place called heart

you could gray
and wrinkle
lose hair
gain weight
and your beauty would remain

Here's one of my own....


Uncertain

Scattered
In dry desert land
Will I ever take root,
find what I thirst for,
find the light that fills my needs?

I've been thrown
carelessly into the wind
not knowing if I will be ok,
if I will get lost among the torny tumble weed
that roll and roll and roll
from one flat desolate place to another

A small seed uncertain
tentative among the future...
this is all I am
Am I small enough to hope?
Or am I too far gone in this uncertainity?

This is my favorite poem be Pablo Neruda... i just recently rediscovered it... isn't that one of the greatest feeling... rediscover art that made you feel intense once...

this one is for Sarah

Pablo Neruda
xx
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write for example, 'The night is shatteredand the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her.
To feel that I have lost her.
To hear immense night, still more immense without her.

And the verse falls to the soul like dew to a pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.

The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all.

In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's.
She will be another's.
Like my kisses before.

Her voice.
Her bright body.
Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

This struck me as a beautiful mess. A soldier's infinite abyss.. a longing to just come home... in from the mud.