I think the biggest problem with Christianity isn't God but people. People suck. I am starting to wonder if anyone really believes in God at all. If they did, wouldn't there lives reflect it? Wouldn't they actually care about others no matter the circumstance? I understand that people aren't perfect but there just seems that nobody actually cares. I want to believe that God is real. I do. But I want to see actual evidence in people's lives that God is good. I want to see Christians care more about peoples needs whether or not they believe in God. I have been a Christian for 10 years and I have felt at one point that I was called into ministry and to love people, but I am starting to doubt that its real when evidence of a changed heart is so vague, so fogged up. Even now, when I tell people I doubt God, they are more concerned with me losing faith than actually caring for me. I have been suicidial for awhile and I can't even get a pastor to contact me or my close friends to show any kind of compassion. They are just worried that I am going to hell not whether or not I am living in hell now. Maybe I'm just depressed. Maybe I am jus being apathetic, cynical and selfish but I can't help but think that there's got to be more than this if God is real.

so its over
his heart is harden
and i'm broken on the floor
tiny pieces left with a memory
of how i was loved
and lost it
too stubborn to feel whole
with one who was my heart
he said i don't love you anymore
and lied the months before
so where his arms used to comfort
i only find tears
and emptiness

This song I'm feeling right now. The parts highlighted represent my relationship....

"Volcano" By Damien Rice

Volcano by Damien Rice

Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth, and back
And that's all I need
Don't build your world around
Volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth, your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around
Volcanoes melt me down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask

What I give to you is just what I'm going through
This is nothing new, no,
no just another phase of finding
what I really need is what makes me bleed
And like a new disease,
Lord, she's still too young to treat
Volcanoes melt you down
She's still too young
I kissed your mouth
You do not need me

I wrote this on www.myspace.com/kategotsoul.
Its worth sharing on this one too.

i've crashed and burned
too blinded by flame
too haunted by shame
chained

i have lost the only things that i loved
the loss of deity and humanity
the only things that taught me to love
are burned out of me
festered sores
blistered into faint scars
of time gone and withered

will i ever be the same / from these flames

"Probably Wouldn't Be This Way" By LeAnn Rimes


Check this video out. This song has been speaking a lot to my loneliness. Even though I haven't lost anyone to death recently, I feel this way about loved ones back home. "I'm so lucky to have the chance to love this much."

Pink

i've got a stain on my forehead
and it looks a little pink
i think its from my lack of trust
or just my lack of sleep
or maybe its from all the socializing
i do with all these girls
all the talk all the time
that makes my head swirl

feminine mysticism
filling up my hours
allowing me to recognize
that women do have power

but maybe the pink
isn't from the women
who now have become my friends
maybe the stain is from the wall
that i keep banging my head

see i want to be alone
yet i don't want to be lonely
so i sabatoge my days
with trying to be phoney

and it works
and i'm hurt
when i could be celebrating
that pink, yes pink,
looks pretty good on me

i'm pretty sure this poem makes sense to only me.

It has been far too long since I wrote in this thing. I have moved to Fresno to work with the urban community since the middle of August. Its been a challenge since I am alone a lot. I have been lonely. But things are starting to pick up and I am having to trust that God lead me here for a reason. I have been reading proverbs lately. Its not one of those books in the bible where you can rush right through. I was stuck forever on "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge". It is such a complex thought.

I'll you dwell in that thought.

my days are still
and long
where silence only breaks
when sirens fill the sky

and I wonder
why I am here
where the farms are dry desert
and the city is abandoned to die

drought of life on many levels

here I sit
on balcony bright
and wisdom light
waiting for my life to begin

catalina is coming soon... i just wanted to send out this picture by bria to remind everyone of God's glory 

I am starting to realize that we never really get over people... we just forget the pain until it pops up in moments of verse or art or screen. People make up the fabric of who we are and how we got there. This song from Maria Mena made me remember how I felt when I started this blog and the hurt I was dealing with. Here's to past love...

"Sorry"
Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted
by the way his toes move when he play
sso I let it burn
I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby,
yes I feel stupid to call you,
but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I whisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby,
so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry[x2]

i can't stand this place sometimes. this place where it's not ok to show emotions. a place where you are criticized for not taking losing well. a place where if you are a woman you have to pretend that nothing bothers you. you just have to take it otherwise you are the bitch. otherwise you are too emotional. otherwise you are just another "woman". you don't measure up. you are not valuable. you are not treated equally. what guys just don't get is that you can't lose otherwise you are weak. if a man loses at something he should be good at, what do other men call him? "pussy, wimp, a girl". so when a woman loses at something she is not supposed to be good at, she gets the look. the look or the feeling like "well you're a girl of course you suck."

and furthermore, when guys get pissed off at freakin videos, no one tells him to calm down. he is just letting of steam. a girl gets pissed off EVER and she is overreacting. well i am sick of the bull shit. no i won't calm down. no i won't shut up. you wonder why i am upset... i have been told too many times that its just a game... its not. its not a game when my self worth is somehow determine how well i play or how i handle defeat.

if you think i am overreacting, i challenge you to take a look at any reality tv show where men and women compete with one another. pay attention to how women are portrayed when they say too much, have an opinion too much, show emotion to much.

this is not to say men are not stereotyped. they also have these absurd measurements to live up to. but you never hear a put down that someone is such "a man". it is good to be a man.

i am sorry if anyone is offended by this. i just needed to get this off my chest.