i am so tired i could cry
and i would cry
if i wasn't too tired
how i long to be awake enough to feel anything



Ok... If that doesn't give you a jist of how I am doing than nothing does.

here are the lyrics to my new favorite cover

*josh ... if you read this... this one's for you*

"The First Cut Is The Deepest"

i would have given you all of my heart
but there's someone who's torn it apart
and he's taken just all that i have
but if you want i'll try to love again
baby, i'll try to love again, but i know...

the first cut is the deepest
baby i know
the first cut is the deepest
but when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
when it comes to lovin' me, he's worse...

i still want you by my side
just to help me dry the tears that i've cried
and i'm sure gonna give you a try
if you want i'll try to love again, (try)
baby, i'll try to love again, but i know...

chorus

i still want you by my side
just to help me dry the tears that i've cried
but i'm sure gonna give you a try
cuz if you want i'll try to love again
(try to love again, try to love again)
baby, i'll try to love again but i know, OOHHH....

chorus

so God confuses me...just when I think I got him figured out, he pulls a double whammy on me...
the rules that God has are black and white but options to decisions are endless... here's what I am writing about this area of my life

I am standing in front of three doors that will change who I am forever...
door number one leads to a lonely road
a road only the very strong and brave have walked
door number two leads to the unknown
its daunting but exciting
full hope yet full of uncertainty
and door number three is one I've been through before
it's comfortable and familiar
though seasons change its atmosphere
I grow along with it
I am standing in front of three doors
not knowing which one to choose
not knowing what the outcome will be
not knowing
not knowing
Just standing

For those who have been unsure of decisions... my prayers are with you
hope you will pray for me as well

i am wrestling with my God
just as Jacob did
not necessarily to get something
but discover who my God is
when will I ever understand
when will live the way he intends
loving and fearing only him....


I have been reading "Daring to Draw Near" by John White. It's challenging. I am not sure where I stand with God. But I am so willing to figure it out with God's help. I want to live a life that is full of God's presence and will. I made a list of what that may look like. To love and fear God entails way more than the phrase lets on.


....in regards to the story of Jacob....
" Have you ever tried wrestling with lumbago or a slipped disc? If you should ever find yourself in Jacob's situation, let me tell you what you will do...
You will CLING... Either you cling or you fall..."

Funny how God brings us to a place where either we cling or fall.

"i refuse to be locked in here like a prison cell/ where all i ever get is a meal and four walls/ i used be just fine in here/ but not anymore/ i am going break through these steel bars"
-jill phillips steel bars

hi all... time for the beginning...

I am tired of what I am
and who I am
I will not allow this to be the way it always be
I need this not to be the way it always will be
I need more
I am thirsty
and clouds are nowhere in sight



"i run this race/ i keep this pace/ when will it ever be enough"
-nichole nordeman this mystery