beauty is all around
this infiinite sadness
i can't shake
the beauty refuses to give up on me
it knows something i don't
about where i am going
it sees beyond how i feel
to the breath in me
that desires peace

do you ever come to a point when you realize the direction you're headed in is not going to work out as plan?

i am at this point. i'm stuck.
the dreams i have envisioned, the life i daydream about, the soulmate that fits all who i am...
it's nothing.
it will not be what i have desired.

i have held on to a hope that doesn't exist.

and i realize it for the first time right now.

i just want to go home...

but where is home?

I just returned from Arts Con 2004. I have to say it is the most refreshing time for me.
God renews me. Thursday night, the talk rocked me. It confirmed a lot of stuff in me.
I want everyday be another that I fall in love with Jesus and I want to share it with everyone
who is important to me.

Arts Con talked a whole bunch about being displaced. As followers of Christ, Jesus puts in places
that throw us off balance. What is amazing and very loving about God is that he did the same for us.
He left his thrown and came to earth. Not only did he come to earth, but he became human. Not only did he become
human, but he became a servant to all. Not only did he become a servant, but he chose to die. Not only did he die, but he died the death of criminal. Not only did he die the death of a criminal, but he suffered the most heinous and painful death
a criminal could face. He denied himself his crown for us. That is definitely displacement.

Time flies when you are not paying attention.
Yet time seems to longer than it really is.
A lot has happened since my last entry.
I saw the Passion and my vision of God was completely rocked. I am totally unworthy.
I have been rebuilding friendships and slowly regaining trust from those I failed.
I went back to Harambee and saw how fast my kids are growing up. They are beautiful and I miss having them apart of my journey.
I have released old loves and pain.
My heart is full of joy.
And finally, I am learning what it means to love again. And that's beautiful but dangerous.

A good friend told me this past week to follow Proverbs and "Above all else, Guard your Heart."
I haven't been able to do so thus far and had always been confused about that.
Then, Sunday I was surprised with Phillipians 4.
It says that prayer and supplication and praising God bring the peace of God.
The peace of God will (not might) GUARD YOUR HEART!

I am full
full to the brim
and satisified
with joy
and laughter
in a way
I have never experienced
because of you
you bring me beauty
and make me know
that all things are possible
and worth the risk

(to j.m.d.)

guard your heart... guard your heart... guard your heart... guard your heart

I just got done watching Chasing Amy. Great movie... some weird stuff but it is Kevin Smith after all. I have to just say that this is something apart of our culture that can be used for God. There is just an aspect human brokenness that is portrayed that you don't get through most movies. There is a sense of regret and loss. It is not for the Christian bubble types so if you check it outBe AWARE. I hope to have some quotes and written word about it soon.

GREAT NEWS.... I finally gave in to God. I said no more me. Only you. Its such a release. I feel like God can do anything through me. I am started to get over my past and look dead on into the future.

Side note:
I have not been able to get Josh out of my system for several months. It has almost like being on detox or rehab. Well, now I am finally able to write it all out and not be bitter. Praise Jesus.

Here's the outcome of some of this:


Do you remember that summer
in the middle of July
your voice on the other end
softly reaching out to me
the beginning of something new
the beginning of our story

That fall we fell
into the music
into the friendship
that grew too fast
than we could have perceived
the beginning of something soft
the beginning of a new chapter

oh love
will you remember
what we had spoken
oh love
or will you remember
only what's broken
oh love
will you remember
the moments that swept
oh love
or will you look back
and see only regret

Do you remember that summer
in the middle of that heat
when I wore your shade of blue
and passion painted our hearts
the beginning of something deep
the beginning of the never ending

oh love
will you remember
what we had spoken
oh love
or will you remember
only what's broken
oh love
will you remember
the moments that swept
oh love
or will you look back
and see only regret

.......

the end to still be written
let me know what your think

jesus_rebel@hotmail.com

this is for Jen... You challenge me to be a better follower of Christ... keep pressing me to get out of my comfortability.... you are the best....


I Choke
Choke on me
on who I am
I choke
I choke on pieces of
my insecurities
I'm soaked
in sweat of
my masturbatory lifestyle
A lifestyle
that only fulfills
my needs
my urges
my choices

I choke
and I choke
I go for the layup
and freeze
wondering who is watching
too scared to face
face the realities of the present future
I choke
coughing
gasping
like a fish just out barely out of reach of water
unable to breathe in
the air of God
I'm soaked
with sailt stained reminants
of tears
I can no longer cry
for a people I no longer care to know
for a people I no longer care to care about
And I choke

I choke
stuttering on my own understanding
sputtering out words of the me I rely on

I choke
and choke
and choke
UGH!!!!
when will I finally reliquish control
and allow his resessatation
inflate my lungs
inflate my spirit
inflate all of me
so I'm no longer in grasp of a gasp of air
No longer anywhere near the need to gag
to Choke

i am so tired i could cry
and i would cry
if i wasn't too tired
how i long to be awake enough to feel anything



Ok... If that doesn't give you a jist of how I am doing than nothing does.

here are the lyrics to my new favorite cover

*josh ... if you read this... this one's for you*

"The First Cut Is The Deepest"

i would have given you all of my heart
but there's someone who's torn it apart
and he's taken just all that i have
but if you want i'll try to love again
baby, i'll try to love again, but i know...

the first cut is the deepest
baby i know
the first cut is the deepest
but when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
when it comes to lovin' me, he's worse...

i still want you by my side
just to help me dry the tears that i've cried
and i'm sure gonna give you a try
if you want i'll try to love again, (try)
baby, i'll try to love again, but i know...

chorus

i still want you by my side
just to help me dry the tears that i've cried
but i'm sure gonna give you a try
cuz if you want i'll try to love again
(try to love again, try to love again)
baby, i'll try to love again but i know, OOHHH....

chorus

so God confuses me...just when I think I got him figured out, he pulls a double whammy on me...
the rules that God has are black and white but options to decisions are endless... here's what I am writing about this area of my life

I am standing in front of three doors that will change who I am forever...
door number one leads to a lonely road
a road only the very strong and brave have walked
door number two leads to the unknown
its daunting but exciting
full hope yet full of uncertainty
and door number three is one I've been through before
it's comfortable and familiar
though seasons change its atmosphere
I grow along with it
I am standing in front of three doors
not knowing which one to choose
not knowing what the outcome will be
not knowing
not knowing
Just standing

For those who have been unsure of decisions... my prayers are with you
hope you will pray for me as well

i am wrestling with my God
just as Jacob did
not necessarily to get something
but discover who my God is
when will I ever understand
when will live the way he intends
loving and fearing only him....


I have been reading "Daring to Draw Near" by John White. It's challenging. I am not sure where I stand with God. But I am so willing to figure it out with God's help. I want to live a life that is full of God's presence and will. I made a list of what that may look like. To love and fear God entails way more than the phrase lets on.


....in regards to the story of Jacob....
" Have you ever tried wrestling with lumbago or a slipped disc? If you should ever find yourself in Jacob's situation, let me tell you what you will do...
You will CLING... Either you cling or you fall..."

Funny how God brings us to a place where either we cling or fall.

"i refuse to be locked in here like a prison cell/ where all i ever get is a meal and four walls/ i used be just fine in here/ but not anymore/ i am going break through these steel bars"
-jill phillips steel bars

hi all... time for the beginning...

I am tired of what I am
and who I am
I will not allow this to be the way it always be
I need this not to be the way it always will be
I need more
I am thirsty
and clouds are nowhere in sight



"i run this race/ i keep this pace/ when will it ever be enough"
-nichole nordeman this mystery