This song I'm feeling right now. The parts highlighted represent my relationship....

"Volcano" By Damien Rice

Volcano by Damien Rice

Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth, and back
And that's all I need
Don't build your world around
Volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth, your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around
Volcanoes melt me down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask

What I give to you is just what I'm going through
This is nothing new, no,
no just another phase of finding
what I really need is what makes me bleed
And like a new disease,
Lord, she's still too young to treat
Volcanoes melt you down
She's still too young
I kissed your mouth
You do not need me

I wrote this on www.myspace.com/kategotsoul.
Its worth sharing on this one too.

i've crashed and burned
too blinded by flame
too haunted by shame
chained

i have lost the only things that i loved
the loss of deity and humanity
the only things that taught me to love
are burned out of me
festered sores
blistered into faint scars
of time gone and withered

will i ever be the same / from these flames

"Probably Wouldn't Be This Way" By LeAnn Rimes


Check this video out. This song has been speaking a lot to my loneliness. Even though I haven't lost anyone to death recently, I feel this way about loved ones back home. "I'm so lucky to have the chance to love this much."

Pink

i've got a stain on my forehead
and it looks a little pink
i think its from my lack of trust
or just my lack of sleep
or maybe its from all the socializing
i do with all these girls
all the talk all the time
that makes my head swirl

feminine mysticism
filling up my hours
allowing me to recognize
that women do have power

but maybe the pink
isn't from the women
who now have become my friends
maybe the stain is from the wall
that i keep banging my head

see i want to be alone
yet i don't want to be lonely
so i sabatoge my days
with trying to be phoney

and it works
and i'm hurt
when i could be celebrating
that pink, yes pink,
looks pretty good on me

i'm pretty sure this poem makes sense to only me.

It has been far too long since I wrote in this thing. I have moved to Fresno to work with the urban community since the middle of August. Its been a challenge since I am alone a lot. I have been lonely. But things are starting to pick up and I am having to trust that God lead me here for a reason. I have been reading proverbs lately. Its not one of those books in the bible where you can rush right through. I was stuck forever on "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge". It is such a complex thought.

I'll you dwell in that thought.

my days are still
and long
where silence only breaks
when sirens fill the sky

and I wonder
why I am here
where the farms are dry desert
and the city is abandoned to die

drought of life on many levels

here I sit
on balcony bright
and wisdom light
waiting for my life to begin

catalina is coming soon... i just wanted to send out this picture by bria to remind everyone of God's glory 

I am starting to realize that we never really get over people... we just forget the pain until it pops up in moments of verse or art or screen. People make up the fabric of who we are and how we got there. This song from Maria Mena made me remember how I felt when I started this blog and the hurt I was dealing with. Here's to past love...

"Sorry"
Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted
by the way his toes move when he play
sso I let it burn
I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby,
yes I feel stupid to call you,
but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I whisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby,
so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry[x2]

i can't stand this place sometimes. this place where it's not ok to show emotions. a place where you are criticized for not taking losing well. a place where if you are a woman you have to pretend that nothing bothers you. you just have to take it otherwise you are the bitch. otherwise you are too emotional. otherwise you are just another "woman". you don't measure up. you are not valuable. you are not treated equally. what guys just don't get is that you can't lose otherwise you are weak. if a man loses at something he should be good at, what do other men call him? "pussy, wimp, a girl". so when a woman loses at something she is not supposed to be good at, she gets the look. the look or the feeling like "well you're a girl of course you suck."

and furthermore, when guys get pissed off at freakin videos, no one tells him to calm down. he is just letting of steam. a girl gets pissed off EVER and she is overreacting. well i am sick of the bull shit. no i won't calm down. no i won't shut up. you wonder why i am upset... i have been told too many times that its just a game... its not. its not a game when my self worth is somehow determine how well i play or how i handle defeat.

if you think i am overreacting, i challenge you to take a look at any reality tv show where men and women compete with one another. pay attention to how women are portrayed when they say too much, have an opinion too much, show emotion to much.

this is not to say men are not stereotyped. they also have these absurd measurements to live up to. but you never hear a put down that someone is such "a man". it is good to be a man.

i am sorry if anyone is offended by this. i just needed to get this off my chest.

new poems... my philosophy class allows me to be quite creative

Recognizable Heart

You are beautiful beyond recognition
it matters not
if your hair is tied
in blue ribbons and barrettes
it matters not
if your clothes are crisp
or clean or new

It just doesn't matter to me
if you morph into someone
that my eyes have never seen

for your beauty lies
between your mind and soul
in the place called heart

you could gray
and wrinkle
lose hair
gain weight
and your beauty would remain

Here's one of my own....


Uncertain

Scattered
In dry desert land
Will I ever take root,
find what I thirst for,
find the light that fills my needs?

I've been thrown
carelessly into the wind
not knowing if I will be ok,
if I will get lost among the torny tumble weed
that roll and roll and roll
from one flat desolate place to another

A small seed uncertain
tentative among the future...
this is all I am
Am I small enough to hope?
Or am I too far gone in this uncertainity?

This is my favorite poem be Pablo Neruda... i just recently rediscovered it... isn't that one of the greatest feeling... rediscover art that made you feel intense once...

this one is for Sarah

Pablo Neruda
xx
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write for example, 'The night is shatteredand the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her.
To feel that I have lost her.
To hear immense night, still more immense without her.

And the verse falls to the soul like dew to a pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.

The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all.

In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's.
She will be another's.
Like my kisses before.

Her voice.
Her bright body.
Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

This struck me as a beautiful mess. A soldier's infinite abyss.. a longing to just come home... in from the mud.  

It has been months since I have looked at this blog.
I was kind of avoiding it.

I have decided to change this blog to a place for my arts team. This is where you can get info about different art stuff and God stuff. I will keep writing as before, but more for you guys to see into pieces with a different light. A holy light.

In the last month, I saw a movie that spoke to me. It's called Garden State. Most of you on arts team know what I am talking about because I made this one of our meeting times.

It is the only movie where I walked away feeling hopeful and fulfilled. If you haven't seen it, do so soon.

More to write later.

beauty is all around
this infiinite sadness
i can't shake
the beauty refuses to give up on me
it knows something i don't
about where i am going
it sees beyond how i feel
to the breath in me
that desires peace

do you ever come to a point when you realize the direction you're headed in is not going to work out as plan?

i am at this point. i'm stuck.
the dreams i have envisioned, the life i daydream about, the soulmate that fits all who i am...
it's nothing.
it will not be what i have desired.

i have held on to a hope that doesn't exist.

and i realize it for the first time right now.

i just want to go home...

but where is home?

I just returned from Arts Con 2004. I have to say it is the most refreshing time for me.
God renews me. Thursday night, the talk rocked me. It confirmed a lot of stuff in me.
I want everyday be another that I fall in love with Jesus and I want to share it with everyone
who is important to me.

Arts Con talked a whole bunch about being displaced. As followers of Christ, Jesus puts in places
that throw us off balance. What is amazing and very loving about God is that he did the same for us.
He left his thrown and came to earth. Not only did he come to earth, but he became human. Not only did he become
human, but he became a servant to all. Not only did he become a servant, but he chose to die. Not only did he die, but he died the death of criminal. Not only did he die the death of a criminal, but he suffered the most heinous and painful death
a criminal could face. He denied himself his crown for us. That is definitely displacement.

Time flies when you are not paying attention.
Yet time seems to longer than it really is.
A lot has happened since my last entry.
I saw the Passion and my vision of God was completely rocked. I am totally unworthy.
I have been rebuilding friendships and slowly regaining trust from those I failed.
I went back to Harambee and saw how fast my kids are growing up. They are beautiful and I miss having them apart of my journey.
I have released old loves and pain.
My heart is full of joy.
And finally, I am learning what it means to love again. And that's beautiful but dangerous.

A good friend told me this past week to follow Proverbs and "Above all else, Guard your Heart."
I haven't been able to do so thus far and had always been confused about that.
Then, Sunday I was surprised with Phillipians 4.
It says that prayer and supplication and praising God bring the peace of God.
The peace of God will (not might) GUARD YOUR HEART!

I am full
full to the brim
and satisified
with joy
and laughter
in a way
I have never experienced
because of you
you bring me beauty
and make me know
that all things are possible
and worth the risk

(to j.m.d.)

guard your heart... guard your heart... guard your heart... guard your heart

I just got done watching Chasing Amy. Great movie... some weird stuff but it is Kevin Smith after all. I have to just say that this is something apart of our culture that can be used for God. There is just an aspect human brokenness that is portrayed that you don't get through most movies. There is a sense of regret and loss. It is not for the Christian bubble types so if you check it outBe AWARE. I hope to have some quotes and written word about it soon.

GREAT NEWS.... I finally gave in to God. I said no more me. Only you. Its such a release. I feel like God can do anything through me. I am started to get over my past and look dead on into the future.

Side note:
I have not been able to get Josh out of my system for several months. It has almost like being on detox or rehab. Well, now I am finally able to write it all out and not be bitter. Praise Jesus.

Here's the outcome of some of this:


Do you remember that summer
in the middle of July
your voice on the other end
softly reaching out to me
the beginning of something new
the beginning of our story

That fall we fell
into the music
into the friendship
that grew too fast
than we could have perceived
the beginning of something soft
the beginning of a new chapter

oh love
will you remember
what we had spoken
oh love
or will you remember
only what's broken
oh love
will you remember
the moments that swept
oh love
or will you look back
and see only regret

Do you remember that summer
in the middle of that heat
when I wore your shade of blue
and passion painted our hearts
the beginning of something deep
the beginning of the never ending

oh love
will you remember
what we had spoken
oh love
or will you remember
only what's broken
oh love
will you remember
the moments that swept
oh love
or will you look back
and see only regret

.......

the end to still be written
let me know what your think

jesus_rebel@hotmail.com

this is for Jen... You challenge me to be a better follower of Christ... keep pressing me to get out of my comfortability.... you are the best....


I Choke
Choke on me
on who I am
I choke
I choke on pieces of
my insecurities
I'm soaked
in sweat of
my masturbatory lifestyle
A lifestyle
that only fulfills
my needs
my urges
my choices

I choke
and I choke
I go for the layup
and freeze
wondering who is watching
too scared to face
face the realities of the present future
I choke
coughing
gasping
like a fish just out barely out of reach of water
unable to breathe in
the air of God
I'm soaked
with sailt stained reminants
of tears
I can no longer cry
for a people I no longer care to know
for a people I no longer care to care about
And I choke

I choke
stuttering on my own understanding
sputtering out words of the me I rely on

I choke
and choke
and choke
UGH!!!!
when will I finally reliquish control
and allow his resessatation
inflate my lungs
inflate my spirit
inflate all of me
so I'm no longer in grasp of a gasp of air
No longer anywhere near the need to gag
to Choke